Tests in Marriage

Every marriage isn't without its issues. And Lord knows it isn't perfect, but every now and then something so ridiculous happens that tests the limits of your love and wedding vows. I feel like that happened to me this weekend...

Saturday evening I went out with some girlfriends for a "Mommies Night Out". Don't get me wrong, we love our children but every now and then you want some adult conversation about the latest happenings in the world (or celebrity gossip) and cocktails without a baby strapped to your chest and one wrapped around your leg. I'm just saying. Well, my two girlfriends and I got together to do just that.

It was the first time my husband was going to be left alone with the boys for more than 2 hours. I figured everything would be ok and I wouldn't call because I needed him to know that I trusted him. If something was wrong, surely he would call. Yea, that wasn't the case.

After having an awesome time with the girls, I walked in the door and found my husband on the couch sleep with the baby on his chest and my six year old on the love seat watching Batman. It looked like a normal scene until my 6 year old told me he had a headache. From there it went downhill:

• I discovered my husband didn't feed the 6 year old any dinner because he was overwhelmed with the baby so the 6 year old had applesauce on his own 0_0
• The baby's diaper hadn't been changed since I left home...7 hours prior!
• The 6 year old started throwing up...and commenced to throwing up 3 times in 30 minutes
• The baby was wailing because he was soaking wet with pee
• And my husband looked overwhelmed and dazed

I had to explain, gently of course, that we needed to get the situation handled and get these kids together while he turned in circles. What is it about men and when things go haywire, they have no idea what to do? Anyway, I got both kids straightened and settled before sitting down. I was livid with him. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind and then I remembered something my mom said about picking and choosing my battles. Sigh. 

Honestly, the situation wasn't worth fighting about but doggoneit I wanted to. Instead, I walked away and did what I needed to do. I was still livid so I slept in the living room with the kids so I could stand vigil all night in case we had a stomach virus on our hands.

By morning both kids were just fine and I was slightly over the whole fiasco. It was during the night that I went back over our wedding vows and reminded myself that everything won't always be ok or handled the way I want it to be; it is during those times that I have put someone else before myself and do what I need to...even when I would rather fight :) 

36 Things I Know After 36 Years of Marriage

Huffington Post has some great hidden gems when it comes to articles. I ran across this really great article that a friend posted on Facebook. It's called "36 Things I Know After 36 Years of Marriage". When you get a moment, check out the full article but the author lists some really great advice here about marriage.

As someone only a year and half into wedding bliss, I have to say, she has spot on with things. I plan to print this out and hang it on my vision board a reminder to us. I want to be able to look back 36 years from now and say, "remember that time we did this one..."

Enjoy!

1. If you think marriage would have been much easier with somebody else, you're probably wrong.

2. Most marital problems are fixable. Really. Even the tough ones.

3. The D word (divorce) is a dangerous weapon. I suggest the F word instead: frustrated. Nobody's heart will be broken if you say, "I'm so FRUSTRATED I could scream!"

4. The term wedded bliss should be stricken from every couple's vocabulary. Marriage is wonderful in many ways, but expecting bliss makes the inevitable rough times seem like a problem when they're simply part of the deal.

5. That bit about how your partner won't change: Wrong. My husband and I met in our early 20s. If we'd both stayed just as we were, we'd still be two naïve kids, stubbornly insisting we have to have things our way, thinking marriage shouldn't be as challenging as it is.

6. Marriage doesn't get good or stay good all on its own.

7. Every one of us is, in our own way, difficult to live with. Beginning to work on evenone of your own problem behaviors will make a big difference in the quality of your marriage. Added bonus: your spouse will greatly appreciate it!

8. People who are unhappily married sometimes think marriage is the problem -- that marriage is unnatural or outdated or impossible to do well. There's not a third entity called marriage. Everything that goes on between you is your creation. Each of you playing your part. Why not create something worthwhile?

9. Marriage is a "learn on the job" proposition. None of us comes into it with all the skills we need for success. When the going gets rough it's most often a sign that we need some new skills -- not a sign that we need a new spouse.

10. Struggle in marriage is not only inevitable, it's necessary. None of us can grow a strong and healthy relationship without having to face and resolve difficult issues.

11. Even the best marriage can't make up for the difficulties we faced growing up. We all come with childhood injuries. Thinking your spouse can make you feel safe and secure when you're wobbly inside is too much to ask. The sooner (and more effectively) you deal with your "stuff," the healthier and more satisfying your marriage will be.

12. Love grows as much from the challenges we face and surmount together as from the delights that we share.

13. Marriage is a long negotiation about how two people are going to run things. Money. Intimacy. Parenting. Chores. You can battle, or you can collaborate. Collaboration is a lot more rewarding.

14. Even the most stubborn among us can learn how to yield. Trust me on this one.

15. Most of your spouse's upsets and frustrations aren't about you -- but some are. The sooner you figure out which is which, the better off you'll be.

16. During hard times, commitment may be your saving grace. The fact that, way back when, you said "'till death do us part" may be the only reason you keep two feet in long enough to fix what's not going well. And that's reason enough.

17. Marriage can make you a better person or a worse person. It's your choice.

18. Complaints and criticisms aren't the same thing as requests for change.

19. Discouragement is one of the greatest threats to marriage. I've seen struggling couples give up on marriages that could quite likely be saved had they been given the proper guidance and encouragement to hang in there and fix things.

20. Thinking you have a 50-50 chance of ending up divorced makes it seem like a coin toss. It's not. There are some behaviors that nearly guarantee failure. We all know what they are. It's a good idea to not do them.

21. Being nice helps.

22. Saying thank-you does, too.

23. The happier I am about my own life, the less irritated I am about my husband's irritating behaviors.

24. A good marriage will have its share of conflict, frustration, boredom, unresolvable arguments, slammed doors and nights where one person sleeps on the couch. The key is to have enough good things to balance them out.

25. It's not always easy to keep your heart open.

26. Love matters. While love doesn't heal all, even (especially) during hard times, love is a touchstone, a reminder of why you got together in the first place.

27. Marriage is not an antidote for loneliness. While marriage provides companionship, closeness and connection are not a constant. Sometimes we're in sync. Sometimes we're not. It's important to be able to soothe and comfort yourself when need be.

28. It's easy to get into a rut when you're with the same person, year after year. Sex. Vacations. Dinner. How you spend Saturday night. Change things. Add some spice.

29. Most good marriages have one person who plays the role of the relationship "guardian": The person who brings up difficult subjects. The person who stays hopeful in hard times. The person who acts as a steadying influence when one or both of you are getting worked-up. In an ideal world, that role would be shared. In the real world it only takes one.

30. One of the best things to do in the midst of a fight is to stop fighting. Take a break. Cool down. Come back to it later. Hotheads are terrible problem solvers.

31. Some conflicts cannot be resolved by compromise. (We can't have half a child or buy half a vacation home). When there's no such thing as "meeting halfway," the solution becomes a matter of generosity, where one person says "yes" to their second choice and the other acknowledges that as a gift.

32. Fights are never about content. Where we store the dish soap, whether it's quicker to take the frontage road or the freeway, whether it's horribly rude not to answer a text -- none of these are worth getting ourselves all in a twist. Our upsets are about the larger meaning we make of that unanswered text, that resistance to influence, that refusal to take seriously the things we request. It's really helpful to accurately name what's setting you off.

33. There's a big difference between being happily married and living happily ever after. None of us are happy 24/7. Thank goodness we don't need to be.

34. When you think to yourself, I really shouldn't say this, you're probably right.

35. Learning how to make up is essential since you'll never, ever, get to a point where neither one of you screws up.

36. One of you has to go first. Apologize first. Be vulnerable first. Yield first. Forgive first. Why not let that person be you?

Quality Time

I'm still fairly new to this marriage thing and listen, the learning never stops. I honestly learn something new about my husband each week, despite the fact that we have known each other for 7 years. Its crazy. Anyway, the focus of this post is not necessarily the new quirks I learn about him but more about quality time - specifically, how to get it in.

Being parents to a rambunctious 6 year old is not easy feat. Our son is our world and we absolutely love spending as much time as possible with him but...every now and then we want to do something with just the two of us. I love hearing about all the new Transformers and Power Ranger shows but I do enjoy cuddling and watching a romantic comedy occasionally with my better half.

With both our busy schedules and a child raise, plus another on the way, finding time together has become challenging but we manage to make it work. Primarily because I force it to work, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I recently implemented "Friday Family Movie Nights" as a way for the 3 of us to spend some time together. I confiscate all electronics, we put on pajamas and cuddle up on the couch for the movie of the night. Usually the little guy selects it and we suffer through yet another Disney movie but that's ok; this is family time. Sometimes we find ourselves at my parent's house having movie night with them too.

As for my husband and I, we find time alone wherever we can. Sometimes we lounge in bed a little longer than normal and just talk. Other times we spend a Saturday or Sunday afternoon catching up on our favorite tv shows. One thing we do make sure we do each day is eat dinner together as a family. Hubby and I tend to linger at the table longer and just talk about nothing in particular. It's times like those that I appreciate most. As annoying and messy as my husband can be, one of his greatest qualities that I love and attracted me to him is the fact that he is a great listener. He actually listens intently to every single thing you say. What man does that?!

My favorite time now are the foot and leg massages he gives me. My pregnancy has definitely made me slow down and my body is changing everyday. It helps to have a partner who understands that I may randomly go to bed at 8:30pm or that my feet hurt and will massage them for me without complaining.

With just over a year into this marriage thing, I never lose sight of the fact that it is work and that you must work to maintain it. With our family expanding (and planning to expand more next year), I know our relationship must always remain a priority.

Marriage Lessons: Compromise

SOURCE

As an almost-one-year married newlywed, my marriage has taught me so much about my husband and myself. You would think that after 7 years of dating and one kid later that you knew someone, but you really don't. One of the most exciting yet scary things about marriage is that you are always learning each other.

I did not and still do not believe in shacking up. Call me old fashion, but I don't. I'm not saying it isn't for others, its just not something for me. My husband and I moved into together 2 months before our wedding and boy what an experience those first two months were LOL.

Not only merging households, but getting a first-hand glimpse into our individual quirky ways, had me wanting to strangle, quarter and maim him on any particular day. Yes, it was that bad...to me. Then again, I know I drove him crazy too.

But despite all of that, I learned and am continuing to learn the art of compromise. Unlike the picture above, it isn't always about being right and having the upperhand; it's about doing what's best for the unit and sometimes that means not having things your way. Yes, you will be wrong sometimes, yes you won't like it, but marriage is no longer about YOU. It is about US.

At almost a year, I am no compromise expert but I am certainly trying to improve on it every day. Compromising is uncomfortable, can have the apperance of being unfair but it is something essential to a marriage the same way respect is. Any in relationship a unit is only as strong as its parts; make sure your parts are balanced and fill in where other pieces are lacking.